Saturday, April 7, 2012

Fear and guilt

I was reading an student's OT blog about her program, she admitted that she is really burnt out, how fast paced and how busy her life is including that she does not feel that she has any "free time." Reading that post makes me nervous.

I think about my kids and my husband. Will school make me so busy that I will not be able to make it to my daughter's cheer competitions? Will I not be able to make it to my boys soccer games? Will my husband be stressed raising the kids practically by himself? With having a new baby, will I miss out on the first five years of bonding time?

Fear is starting to sit in about the choices that I am making and have made. That's one reason why I waiting so long to go back to school in the first place, because I did not want to miss out on my kids life. Then I thought if I had finished school back in 03' then I would be finished and would be able to spend time with my kids now. They are so young and they need me. What is a mother to do? It goes by so fast that I look up and my babies, the twins, are now 5  and are talking about how they are looking forward to being 10. I want to savor every moment I have with my baby girl Gem'maica (Jamaica), my 5 month old. My husband is soooooo supportive that he tells me that I am doing the right thing, but am I really? When I finish my program my oldest will be 14, the twins will be 10 and the baby will be 5. What I continue to think about is the questions of do they need me more now while their brains as forming and developing, or will they need me more when the brain's chemistry starts to change to hit puberty? Am I being selfish?

Please, for those that read this, give me input on what you think about this mind boggling situation about feeling "guilty" about going to school and the "fear" I have about not being there for my kiddos like I want.

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